I dream of casting out demons.
I dream of raising the dead.
I dream of fluently moving in healings, miracles, signs and wonders.
I dream about these things, not only figuratively, but literally. When I close my eyes at night and succumb to sleep, I move in a power and authority that I have not yet experienced while awake. The sheer volume of the dreams along with the deep ache I feel, the longing for these things to be happening right here and right now, has led me to believe that this is part of my calling. This dream, this desire in me, is not a new one. It has been there for years, but I’ve barely spoken of it, even with my closest friends. I confess that I’ve been secretive about this and I don’t want to hide anymore. So, here it is, in writing:
I believe that I am called to cast out demons, raise the dead and work all kinds of miracles, healings, signs and wonders. I believe this is part of what God has for me to do.
Why have I kept this to myself? I will tell you. As much as I know that certain people may read this and think I’m crazy, that’s not the reason. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been accused of being crazy for what I believed to be God’s will, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I can also say that in persevering beyond the hurdle of cynical naysayers, I have never regretted my obedience to God. So why the secrecy? Here it is in one word: pride. I haven’t been as open about this dream as I am about virtually everything else in my life because of my own pride. (If this isn’t quite making sense yet, just hang in there with me, because I promise you, it soon will).
I stated earlier that in my dreams I move in a power and authority that I have not yet experienced while awake. That’s the clincher. I’m not doing these things yet, so I keep the dream to myself. Why? Because I’m afraid that it might not come true. What if it never happens? What if I’m wrong? What if I pray and the demon doesn’t flee? What if I pray and the dead are not raised? What if I pray and nobody gets healed? What if nothing ever happens at all, and I’m just a huge failure? Now do you see it? That’s pride. The source of the fear, the source of all the questions is pride. Is it as obvious to you as it is to me, that the question that lies beneath all the others is, “If I’m wrong about this, what will everyone think of me?” Pride is concerned with appearances, wanting to “save face” and preserve reputation.
That being said, there’s another question that should be addressed. If God has really called me to cast out demons, raise the dead and work all kinds of miracles, healings, signs and wonders (and I believe that He has), then what’s the hold up? The answer is simple: me. I am the reason. I am the only thing standing in my way. Two weeks ago, on Sunday, May 20, I received a prophetic word during our evening church service. (I wrote about it in my last post). Part of the word addressed things in my heart that I desire to do but haven’t been able to do – that God wants to take me there, but it requires walking in a higher level of trust. When I heard this, I immediately thought of healings and miracles, because it’s absolutely true – I need to trust more. I wish that knowing this was enough to fix the problem, but it’s not that simple. I don’t know how to make myself trust any more than I already do. I need God to get me there.
As much as I know God’s desire is to move through me in powerful and amazing ways, there is a part of me that feels extremely unqualified and doesn’t see why He would ever choose me to do anything. Like the father of the possessed boy in Mark 9:24, I have often prayed, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Again, the root of my unbelief is pride, because if I really knew in my spirit what I know in my head – that God moving through me has nothing to do with my qualifications, but rather with my willingness to be His vessel – this would not be an ongoing battle. I continue to pray for people, even though most of the time, I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. Sometimes, people get healed. Sometimes, they don’t. I’m always surprised when they do. I want to get past this. A good friend once prophesied over me that God’s grip on me is so tight that He is guiding me even when I don’t realize it, in the little day to day decisions that I think are insignificant. It’s encouraging when He gives me a glimpse of this.
Over the past couple weeks, I’ve been meditating on scriptures about trust and healing, and I’ve been asking God to teach me how to trust more. Last week, while cleaning my bedroom, I had the desire to read some Andrew Murray. Since I have several of his books, I looked at the collection on my bookshelf, and one stood out to me, “Humility.” So, I picked it up and started reading it again. Sunday at church, we had a guest speaker, Mark Anderson, who ministered on healing and miracles. He preached, imparted, and released us all to pray for those in need of healing – and people got healed. It was a great weekend! Can you guess what his main message was about? If you guessed “humility,” you are correct. Humility was the foundation of everything he taught. It was so encouraging and confirming to realize that God was already leading me in this direction. I love when He does this!
I could easily keep writing, but this is long, so I’m going to wrap things up by explaining why I shared all of this in the hope that it has been mutually beneficial. First, I shared because I wanted to expose myself, putting my issues out there in the open, because I know that the sins that bind us lose power when we bring them into the light. I believe that in sharing all of this, I will find freedom. Secondly, I know that I’m not the only person who struggles with pride and the issues that spring from this insidious root. I also know that I’m not the only person with hidden dreams. If you see yourself in what I’ve written, my prayer is that my frankness will encourage you, giving you the nudge that you may need to come out of hiding and step into the light – that you too will find freedom.